Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
