I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
