i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Damn victory sex feels great
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize