Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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