so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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