im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
