did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
