So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
