I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
