so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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