We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
