I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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