I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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