So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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