I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
