i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
