I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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