I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
