They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
