i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
