Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My life is pants optional.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize