this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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