So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
