I smell stomach acid.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
