We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
