things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
