nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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