I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
