Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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