When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He felt like a one man threesome
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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