I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
