OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
