i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Michael Bay diarrhea
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
