Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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