A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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