In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
