Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
