I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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