i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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