I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
