I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
