It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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