I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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