I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
