The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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