It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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