Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
