Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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