Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I looked at my own cervix.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
