Capitaan dildo arrescate!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
