By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
