So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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