Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
