I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize