He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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