I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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