Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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