Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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