I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
