I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
