I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
