Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
