But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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