He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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