how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
