My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
